Man, you ever have a week where you think, 'What the fuck?'
The lady is going away for a while in a few days, so I've been a little like a bear with a sore head (and a sad heart). Of course, being as good as I am at being imperfect, she's the one who's borne the brunt of my emotional stunting, and I've been cursing myself for getting all screwed up over nothing. Nail on a few other stupid bullshit details to that - issues that at any other time would slide right off me - and you got a self-destructive-motherfucker.
Then, today, I find out that the day job is gone for sure in six-and-something-weeks. Shit. I mean, it's not a surprise, but I was hoping it wouldn't be over just yet... I've only just gotten back in the saddle. Only just gotten back on track with my life. From a year ago, sleeping in a rolled up quilt on somebody's floor, hopping the last train from here to there just so I didn't have to pay for it, trying to survive on less-than-zero, to now. I have a sweet sweetheart, a film ready to bake in New York, two others resurrected from nowhere and a home... I mean, it's no palatial pad, but it's a thousand times more than I had 365 days ago. And you know what, I was kind of enjoying it.
But after 10 minutes of feeling like my shit sucked all over again, I reminded myself that this time around, I'm in an even better position. I have the chance to go do what I have to do, to continue living the life of a cockysonofabitch, too stupid to know his own limitations, and just get back to what I do - living my life, plus 10%.
You see, it doesn't matter any more if I have to hop from day job to day job, at least, it doesn't matter like it used to. Because when my little slice of success showed up, there were so many stipulations and obligations attached, it felt like a fucken drain on who I really was. Whenever authority shows up, I come out in a rash. That's the same in day jobs and in this so-called dream factory - people telling me what to do is hard to swallow. But people telling me what to create, shit, that actually chokes me.
So I remembered my 'plus 10%' philosophy. If I have to work day jobs, just so I can write and shoot the films I want, fine. I'll do that till I run into somebody who buys my shit and starts investing in me and what I am. After all, a lot of people are doing shit they don't want to do, but they do it anyway. And most will never do anything that makes them really happy. But just think - if you had an unfulfilled ambition, and you just did 10% of it, wouldn't that feel good? If you wanted to be a singer on a big stage, with flashing lights and a screaming crowd, but had no idea how to get there, wouldn't it make sense to start aiming for 10% of that big dream? To start breaking it down and making it accessible? Maybe getting up in a small place, singing along to some karaoke track under three lime red bulbs in front of six people - maybe that's enough to sate the feelings inside. Like I said, we're all living our normal lives anyway - what risk is there trying to add an extra portion to it? An extra portion that was mined from your dreams? Think about it - it's not impossible to do.
But I'm a greedymotherfucker. 10% was where I started - last time I checked, I'm at around plus 70%, so no point going back now. No point in pretending I'm not what I am, doing what I do, going where I'm going. 10% plus 10%, little chunk added to little chunk, it all adds up.
So if every time I feel like life is getting comfortable for me again something that feels like roots is taken away, fine. I attract these short-term things anyway - a life in constant transition and so soaked in cocky ambition, I feel like I outgrow every space anyway.
But I'm telling you - if you only grab 10% of what you dream of, it's better than 0% of it. Better than saying 'I wish,' or 'I should have...' If everybody went for at least 10% of their dreams, can you imagine how different things would be?
So yeah - the end of a bullshit week. But I'm sure I'm not the only person saying that right now. But not many get to say their flying their asses off to NY to shoot film and rewrite some of the rules of their life. Not many at all.
Just rolling with the punches.